Why I’m Thankful for the Pain

By Sherry Costello

Recently, I was graciously given the opportunity by the Women’s Ministry leaders of my home church to speak about my life’s journey through pain and suffering, and how I’ve come to the place where I can be thankful for it.

I was speechless when so many people came up to me afterward and in the coming days, to shared how much it had touched them. I didn’t expect that reaction. A few commented that my message of hope and perseverance in the midst of adversity needed to be heard by more people. I don’t know what that looks like in the broader sense, but it made me think that I could at least share it here for others to read…so here it is!

[Transcript]:

I’d like to begin with a quote by Elisabeth Elliott. That name may sound familiar to some of you. She was a strong Woman of Faith, and I’ve become quite fond of her. Through her writings, my understanding about pain and suffering has been turned upside down, as I considered the idea that it has a DIVINE PURPOSE. Not only does it change my response to pain, but it helps me to accept it as a part of life.

Here is what she said…

“There have been some hard things in my life, of course, as there have been in yours, and I cannot say to you, I know exactly what you’re going through. But I can say that I know the One who knows. And I’ve come to see that it’s through the deepest suffering that God has taught me the deepest lessons. And if we’ll trust Him for it, we can come through to the unshakable assurance that He’s in charge. He has a loving purpose. And He can transform something terrible into something wonderful...”
Elizabeth Elliot

Now listen up! She says, “Suffering is never for nothing”. (Cited from “Suffering is Never For Nothing” by Elisabeth Elliot)

Let that percolate in your brain a little because I think that’s profound… Suffering is never for nothing.

Each one of us here tonight represent a myriad of painful experiences, but with new eyes, maybe we can understand God’s loving purpose in it for our transformation. It’s part of His Master Plan, and He’ll use every part of our suffering, turning it around for our ultimate good [Romans 8:28]. So if my suffering is a part of His plan, then I accept it. He knows what needs to be done to change this girl into something Glorious.

I used to hide my story like a deep dark secret because I felt shame and humiliation. Inwardly I feared what people would think of me and I had good reason.

At the age of Sweet Sixteen, my life was broadsided with devastating news. I had Bone cancer, and that meant amputation. Suddenly, the world looked dark and dim. I had a loving and caring family, but outside the home, people stared. Tongues became daggers. Ignorant people made sure I knew I was crippled. I felt irrelevant, and inferior. My heart was shattered, but what else could I do but press on.

Three years later I started college. I thought no one could love me with such an obvious flaw. And then I met Josh, and miracle of miracles, it didn’t matter to him. I think he was Heaven sent, just what I needed.

We married 5 years later, and soon we were expecting our first bundle of joy. But our joy suddenly morphed into tragedy. In my 6^th month, a pregnancy related condition called Preeclampsia turned toxic, and our baby died within my womb. Josh told me later that my own survival was uncertain.

Everyone breathed a sigh of relief when I began to recover, but my body was still in distress. The blood vessels behind my eyes collapsed and slowly my sight deteriorated to nothing more than a giant blur of light and dark. I was blind. We left the hospital without our precious baby, and I was given no assurance I would see again. We were married not even a year, and we were in anguish.

We were not believers yet, but I knew others were praying for us. Another miracle of miracles – through the course of time my sight slowly returned back to normal, and within 4 months we were expecting another baby. There was no name for it back then, but Kaylin was our Rainbow Baby – The blessing of another child after losing one. Of course we still grieved over the loss of our Joshua, but restored hope & new joy was exactly what we needed.

Blessing upon blessing, we had two more children, Joseph and Ethan. When they were 6, 8, and 11 years of age, I was given another unsettling diagnosis. Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. An MRI confirmed it was in several places. The doctors didn’t say it, but it wasn’t good. With a little fancy key work, I found it…stage four.

We attacked kamikaze style, with five rounds of a five-drug chemo cocktail. It was a five day course in the hospital every time to make sure I was well hydrated. I felt good during the infusion, but as soon as I was “unplugged” to go home, the adverse reactions began: I felt like death and my mind felt “frozen”. I couldn’t focus on anything, not a book, not a conversation, not the TV. Minutes felt like hours. I couldn’t engage with my family or take care of them. I had to crawl up the stairs to the bedroom. It felt like torture and I was scared. Later, I found out my body was permanently damaged with Neuropathy.

When the treatment was finally over, I felt relief, like I could breathe again.

My heart sank when I learned there was still a 50% chance the lymphoma could return. But there was a golden nugget of hope… a Stem Cell Transplant. My survival would increase from 50% to 80-95%. For my family, I had to do it. They needed me.

The preparation involved siphoning my blood, similar to dialysis, to collect stem cells for the transplant when it was time. But even after several tries, we just didn’t have enough, and there was a high probability the transplant would not succeed.

However, the doctors had a backup plan. Four of my siblings were potential stem cell donors. Three of them were discounted because of preexisting issues. But once again, miracle of miracles, one of them proved to be a perfect 10-out-of-10 point match, unheard of even among siblings! We took a gamble and went ahead with the transplant.

A large dose of chemo wiped out any remaining cancer cells, including my immunity, and my stem cells were infused back into my body on Thanksgiving Day. If they didn’t regenerate, I’d have no immunity, and no chance of surviving.

The whole time of my illness, I felt God speaking to me in the quiet places: My life belonged to Him, and He would decide whether I lived or died. I was humbled and in complete trust I bowed my head to pray, “Not my will, but THY will be done”.

My brother Tim was waiting in the wings in case I needed him. He was the backup plan. Turns out I didn’t need him, but knowing he was ready and willing to step in gave me peace of mind.

I was expected to be in the hospital at least 8 weeks, longer than the usual. We were ecstatic when my stems cells began to multiply, and I was home in 3, just in time for Christmas!

A few years later my prognosis was excellent. And it occurred to me: my prayer for His will to be done concerning my life had indeed been answered.

Fast-forwarding to just three years ago, more unsettling news. I had cancer again, this time in my breast.

It was stage 0, and the prognosis was good, but this was round 3 for me. I already had a remarkable cancer history, and I needed to consider all options. If I simply had the recommended lumpectomy, in my mind the cancer could return with more intensity, maybe even in my other breast. That was frightening.

Now I’m a research kind of gal, so I spent countless hours reading articles, message boards, clinical case studies, PubMed, Mayo Clinic, Cancer.org… you get the picture. I wanted to leave no rock unturned, to find out what other women in my situation were doing. I prayed. I searched the Scripture for guidance and direction. I talked with family, my Pastors, and close confidantes. I wanted to go into this with my eyes wide open because I didn’t want to face this ever again!

My “due diligence” led me to make a radical decision: bi-lateral mastectomy, with fat grafting reconstruction (another story for another time). It totally made sense to me and I believed it was the right decision. Some had questions, yet overwhelmingly everyone understood. Even my Doctor approved. I felt I had the green light.

Three months after surgery, when I should have been fully healed, I was still in excruciating pain. Now mind you, I can bear an exceptional amount of pain, but this was constant, and unbearable. It wasn’t normal. Something was wrong.

My Doctors had no answers, and that meant I had to dig for them myself. What I found was shocking. The pain I was feeling had been known since the 1970s, and it had a name: Post Mastectomy Pain Syndrome.

What is even more shocking is that my Doctors had never heard of it. Why? It’s their job to know! It’s their duty to give full disclosure, and they failed! I felt betrayed, abandoned, and insignificant. “Pain Management” was their best answer.

I’ve since learned that this kind of pain is complex and treatment options are limited. I’ve tried nearly every tool in their arsenal, with little to no relief. Three years later, it’s clear to me that Pain Management doesn’t have the answers either. And it was also clear I needed to look outside the box. I was desperate.

Now I’m going to say something that might may you cringe. FACEBOOK. But you know there are groups for every interest you can think of!

Maybe it was by Divine Direction, anything is possible, right? But I found an amazing group of women just like me, called “Surviving Post Mastectomy Pain Syndrome”. How fitting! The information alone was GOLD! But get this, it has a membership of 1.3 thousand suffering members, all seeking affirmation that they’re not crazy, all wishing for some magic remedy to dull the pain, all desperate for HOPE. I was not alone! And I was stunned…and at the same time, appalled. How many more women are out there in the world, suffering in agony, feeling abandoned and betrayed just like me? It’s hard to wrap my mind around it.

I’ve come to accept it though, the pain. Why do I say that? Because I now understand it is God’s Refining Fire, working to removing the dross in me. He’s chipping off the rough spots, and sanding away the ingrained residue; and when He’s finished, He’ll burnish, and buff, and shine, til I become a reflection of His image.

Remember Elisabeth Elliot’s words, “suffering is never for nothing”? He’s making me, and YOU, into new creations, for HIS GLORY! If you can see it, there is beauty in our suffering. If you’ll look for it, God will teach you His Deep Lessons for you.

I’m almost finished, but first I’d want to share the Deep Lessons that I believe have been prepared especially for ME.

Deep Lesson #1 – God loved me that much, to allow it…not for harm but for good. It was as if He was saying, “This one, this one right here is worth taking through the “fiery furnace”, for My Glory!” (Romans 8:28)

Deep Lesson #2 – God’s grace is sufficient. The tormenting and unrelenting “thorn” of pain emphasizes my weakness, yet magnifies His strength in me. When I become weak, He becomes strong.(2 Corinthians 12:9)

Deep Lesson #3 – God is always with me, will never abandon me or turn away, therefore I can be strong and courageous through the pain. (Deuteronomy 31:6)

Deep Lesson #4 – When I feel like everything is out of control, I’m reminded that God has complete, command of it, even MY pain. (Isaiah 55: 8-9)

Deep Lesson #5 – God has used my pain to drawn me closer to Him that I may receive mercy and grace to help in my time of need. (Hebrews 4:16).

Deep Lesson #6 – God has shown me that “fiery trials” of adversity are to be expected and that I shouldn’t think it strange. It’s part of His training arsenal to test my faith, making it rooted and strong. He is loving and faithful, so I can entrust my suffering to His care. (1 Peter 4:12, 19)

Deep Lesson #7 – God uses my pain to remind me that He is my rock, my fortress, my deliverer, my refuge, my shield, and my salvation. (Psalm 18:2)

Deep Lesson #8 – God knows my frame is weak, therefore He offers abundant mercy and grace, love and compassion. (Psalm 103:13-14)

Deep Lesson #9 – God has surrounded me with people, willing to help, provide, support and love me. To my husband, my family, my family in Christ…thank you for being His hands and feet. (Galatians 6:2)

Deep Lesson #10 – I am embolden to walk the walk He has for me with courage because He is always present, ready to help when I can’t help myself, ready to uplift me when I’ve fallen low, ready to uphold me when I can’t stand, ready to strengthen me when I am weak. (Isaiah 41:10)

In closing, God knows every painful crack and crevice in our lives, and fills them with a Powerful, Divine Infusion of His sufficient grace! Sometimes, it reinforces us. Sometimes it reassures us. Sometimes it reminds us. Sometimes it carries us. He even sends His appointed people to be His hands and feet, helping us get through the rough places. What a mighty God we have! He deserves nothing less than our whole hearts, overflowing with thanks and praise!

Lord, we love you, we need you, we trust you, we believe you. In Jesus’ name, Amen.